Mancave Daily - Miami

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. I address you this week with a little bit of tut-tutting in my voice. So a man got loopy on some chemicals and ate another man’s face. Big deal! I feel for the faceless gent, I really do – but at least he’s still alive. Do you know what kind of biting is more terrifying? Spider bites. Thousands of spider bites! Of the poisonous and deadly kind. If you think one bath-salty homeless man with a case of the munchies is any more terrifying than a new species of killer octopods, then you are living in a sheltered world, sirs. But I digress: there are other sinister new pets to be on the watch for. This week, we present:

Cat-Copter

We’ve long since prepped you for the menace of the quadcopter invasion. But few of us could have predicted that swift and agile death from above might also sport the face of our beloved feline companion. Bert Jansen might think the Orvillecopter is a fun or touching tribute to his deceased kitty-cat, but mark our words – that cyborg cat will be the first of many to rain hairbally death upon our land. And it’ll be even slightly WORSE for the people with allergies.

Even cows fear quadcat!

Nano Bugs

Amidst a bevy of other cool future concept, Margaret Atwood slips in some armchair quarterback scientific speculation. When not coming up with tales of blind assassins, she apparently thinks up tales of love and betrayal in the insect world. We’ve only got two problems – one, her name seems to be that of a commercially produced law-enforcement drone (which should probably make you prone to tugging your collar uneasily it of itself), and two, we already know that slug-powered animal spying is the best way to go.

Nothing to fear from an electrified virus, nope, nuh-uh, no sir.

Electricity Virus

The supervillain trope of owning an “animal that could also act as a bodyguard that I probably bought from Mike Tyson during hard times” is a classic. But white tigers are so 80′s – why not upgrade to a new viral friend? Of course, it’s hard to pet a virus menacingly, but this particular little fellow at least can cause quite the shock. From the article: “The viruses replicate themselves, providing a steady supply of material, and they naturally organize into well-ordered films…” Might be a little hard to breathe when your face is covered in a PERFECT SHEET OF ELECTRIC VIRUSES.

Science assures us the virus is completely incapable of affecting humans, but if it’s so safe, why did they name it “The M13 Virus”? Let it never be said MCD shied away from unfounded paranoia–because when talking about the apocalypse, we only have to be right once.

Psychic Animals

Way back in the day when the U.S. Soccer team had a halfway decent chance to almost not be terrible, there was an octopus that seemed to know all. Well technically, it did know it all, as far as bookies were concerned, and poor Paul got a lot of scrutiny (and offers from shady casinos) before his eventual death in 2010. Now as soccer fever looms yet again, a horde of replacement ani-psychics have appeared, including a suspicious “Paulo the Octopus”. Paolo, like Paul before him, picked his host country to lose -each taking opposite sides of treason against their homes of Germany and Spain. Friendly entertainment? Or evil animals sowing the seeds of chaos in our hearts? You decide.

Surprisingly, not all small dogs are creeps

Could Dogs Be Corrupted Too?

Answer: OF COURSE NOT. Dogs are the most loyal creatures in the universe. If a mad scientist tried to turn them into a dog-copter they’d come back to life just to pee on the scientist, and then laugh a little snickering laugh.

One last pleasant note: we’ve been measuring our technologies, and it looks like we’re preparing to whoop some alien ass. If we don’t make sure that the killer cat-copters get us first, we can at least take solace in the fact that we’re ready to shoot down pesky space invaders.

Hugbot loves your girlfriend maybe a little too much

Dan Morgridge’s slow loris might not be as trustworthy as a dog, but it’s definitely too slow to pull a knife on him.

Dan also found the bro-bots who will replace us as boyfriends, bartenders, and bottle openers. –>

NHL Players Mock James’ Leg Cramps, James Too High atop Pillar of Success to Hear

mreal197 — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 17:15:42 +0000

Leg cramps hurt, but they tend to pass. More permanent: losing your teeth to a hockey puck. The Miami Heat player was hobbled by cramps in Game Four of the NBA Finals Tuesday night. Since hating on Lebron James is a more popular national pastime than the four major sports combined, he became the target for several NHL players who…well, frankly, we expected better burns than these, guys. As comedians, you make great hockey players.

Read on to see what they said.

Hottie Of The Day: Jaymie – June 21, 2012

Zippy — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 08:28:45 +0000

Hottie Of The Day: Jaymie – June 21, 2012view gallery

Credit: Maxim.com

Check out Jaymie and more hometown hotties at Maxim.com…

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Five Things to Do with Crap Beer

mreal197 — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 07:00:58 +0000

We…might have overdone it on the beer, if such a thing is possible

So your old friend came over. You know the one we mean: the guy who got a nickname like Meat, or Tank, or The Human Keg, and has been living up to it ever since. And he brought beer! Specifically, he brought terrible beer! Which is now sitting in your fridge, taking up space well after the Tank got too drunk to drive and you had to call his long-suffering wife to come get him.

And now you’ve got this crap beer to use up. Fortunately, it’s surprisingly easy to do.

Beer Can Chicken

Yeah, you’re a guy, you’ve probably got at least three cookbooks about how to cook with beer. But, realistically, most of those recipes are “crack open one and pour it in at some point in the recipe”. They’re tasty, but they’re not the holy grail of beer recipes: Beer Can Chicken. Here’s how you make it:

Are they kickboxing for our entertainment?

Step 1: Open a crap beer. Drink half of it.

Step 2: Put the can in the center of a flat surface you can put on a grill.

Step 3: Clean out a chicken, rub it with oil and the spices of your choice (we recommend lemon pepper, but this’ll work with pretty much anything that’ll stick to a chicken), and impale its thoracic cavity (where you’d put the stuffing) on the beer can. The chicken should stand up using its legs and the beer can as a tripod.

Step 4: Put this on your grill for about an hour and a quarter to an hour and a half, and be sure to cover said grill. The juices need to run clear when you stab it with a knife.

Step 5: Eat a chicken that has been cooked from the inside with beer steam and roasted on outside over indirect heat. Bonus points for smoke. Oh, and once the can cools off, check inside: all the juice from inside of the chicken have streamed into it and cooked with the alcohol and boiling water to make a delicious gravy.

Kill Slugs

If you’ve got a lawn, you’ve got slugs, and slugs blow. They eat plants, they squish when you step on them (and they’re always underfoot), and generally they’re a pain in the ass.

So, pour a crap beer in a dish and leave it out overnight. The slugs love the smell of beer and will come, get drunk, and die happy as the alcohol both knocks them out and shrivels them up. It’s euthanasia! As a bonus, you might come out in the morning to have gotten that annoying dog that always poops in your yard drunk.

Note: Do not deliberately get animals drunk. It’s mean. Unless they’re slugs. Also, if you’re an apartment dweller and have a fruit fly problem, this will also work on those annoying bastards.

You can also pour beer on brown spots on your lawn: supposedly beer is good for killing bugs in general and the acidity can help the grass. We question this one if for no other reason than pouring Natty Ice on your lawn seems like a great way to kill it, but hey, it’s worth knowing. Though how do you treat your lawn’s hangover?

Say, that’s bad marketing

Use It To Clean Your Furniture

No, seriously; this works. It’s incredibly bizarre to actually see happening, but it works.

Use a freshly opened beer to get out upholstery stains; the carbonation helps lift the stain, and since most cheap macrobrews are a weak yellow color, it’s unlikely the beer is actually going to stain anything (you might want to test this first, depending on the beer).

Once it goes flat, pour it on a cloth and rub it into any wood you happen to have; it works like furniture polish. It also works as a metal polish.

How the hell does that work? Well, beer is, due to how it’s made, slightly acidic. Not so acidic that you’ll notice, generally, but enough that it’ll react with stains and other crud and usually serve to lift them.

Yes, we are advising you to get your IKEA furniture wasted on bad beer. To be fair, though, most of the terrible beer out there tastes almost as good as drinking furniture polish, so really, it’s a wash.

Impromptu Grilling Fire Extinguisher

The next time you’re grilling, pull a can of the crap beer out and give it a relentless shake. The next time you have a grill flare-up, crack the can and spray the foam over the fire.

This will douse the flames, obviously, but it’ll also make sure you don’t have to worry about contaminating your food or putting out your coals. Beer is, obviously, safe for food, and a quick soaking in beer foam won’t ruin anything you’re grilling.

Wow, that’s really good bounce and lift

Give It To Your Girlfriend To Put In Her Hair

Beer is, in addition to sweet alcohol, full of crap you don’t care about but is good for you, thanks to the yeast and hops, like B vitamins.

Which means, once it warms up and goes flat, she can use it in her hair as a treatment to give it more lift and bounce. We have no idea what that means in the context of hair, but A) it’s a nice thing to do and B) the words “lift” and “bounce” are usually good things when applied to somebody you’re having sex with.

Why can’t it be both?

Dan Seitz is the creative director at GammaSquad and the gadget guy at Guyism.

Dan also solved the eternal question of whether names belong to a Beanie Baby or Stripper? –>

Hottie Of The Day: Drusilla – June 20, 2012

Zippy — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 09:15:26 +0000

Hottie Of The Day: Drusilla – June 20, 2012view gallery

Credit: Maxim.com

Check out Drusilla and more hometown hotties at Maxim.com…

Find more hot girls …

Teddy Roosevelt: Everything Hunter

mreal197 — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 07:01:03 +0000

Well look at Molly Dandy and her fancy cuttin’ knife!

Let’s say that, for some strange reason, you want to be President. In spite of what some movie might have you believe, being a “Vampire Hunter” has yet to qualify anyone for the highest office in the land.

Most of our Commanders-in-Chief have had the kinds of jobs you’d expect: lots of them were lawyers, a couple were professors, and there were a smattering of oilmen/secret-society member/baseball-team owners (okay, that last one might only be Dubya).

Jimmy Carter was the only peanut-farmer POTUS (a few have become farmers post-Presidency, prepared for shoveling manure by years of inside-the-Beltway gladhanding). Other one-of-a-kind jobs that have lead to the presidency include tailor (Andrew Johnson), hat salesman (Harry Truman), and Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces (Dwight Eisenhower). None of those jobs seem especially relevant to a Presidential career track nowdays, especially since the Allied Forces haven’t been hiring in years.

But the coolest jobs to lead to the Oval Office may all belong to one man: Teddy Roosevelt, the “Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick” hunter/rancher/conservationist/soldier who became president with a life story so implausible that it makes Fifty Shades of Grey seem totally realistic by comparison.

Here are six not-so-simple ways to follow in his footsteps. Would-be Presidents, take note:

We…we can’t condone this

1- Be an asthmatic rich kid who studies a lot
(Note: Peanut allergies are NOT an acceptable substitute for asthma)

Roosevelt was a slightly creepy son of privilege, at least based on his hobbies: so asthmatic he couldn’t really travel or play, he applied his voracious appetite for learning to the study of insects (writing his first work on the subject when he was nine) and taxidermy. Creepy.

2- Ignore doctors’ advice

After graduating from Harvard, a doctor advised Teddie that his heart was weak and he should avoid strenuous activity. Disregarding that, he pursued the so-called “strenuous life,” mixing hard-fought runs for political office with international vacations and safaris. Speaking of safaris…

3- Hunt animals

Nothing rounds out the image of being an asthmatic bookworm with a love of dead languages like becoming a beefy big-game hunter, and TR hunted with abandon, killing at least one of anything anyone suggested might be fun (on one safari, he and his companions killed or trapped over 11,000 animals). He also became a literal cowboy, running several ranches and even becoming a deputy sheriff in North Dakota.

4- Hunt criminals

Expanding on his reputation as a lawman after his ranches went bust, Roosevelt came home to New York and became Police Commissioner in 1895. Back then, the biggest problem facing NYC was a staggering level of corruption, and, as commissioner, he rooted it out with a vengeance for two very productive years.

He accidentally invented Psy-Ops when the Spaniards got a glimpse of his magnificent profile

5- Annoy people into promoting you

Roosevelt left the Police Department to become Assistant Secretary of the Navy (did we forget to mention that he was also a leading expert on the use of sea power in world affairs?), where he helped prepare the military for the Spanish-American War before resigning his post so he could fight in the war as one of the “Rough Riders.”

After the war, Roosevelt was elected Governor of New York. Continuing the anti-graft “good government” policies that had made him popular as Police Commissioner, he made powerful enemies in the state Republican Party, who got rid of him the easiest way they knew how: by getting him elected Vice President.

Seriously.

They forced him onto the ticket with William McKinley, secure in the knowledge that being Vice President would likely be the end of Roosevelt’s career in public life. (Even though some Veeps wound up being elected President, Roosevelt was a better campaigner for other people’s causes than his own, so it was a pretty safe bet.)

What could possibly go wrong?

6- Don’t get shot

Six months after being elected President, McKinley was assassinated. Roosevelt ascended to the Presidency and became staggeringly popular, winning re-election in a landslide.

Of course, Roosevelt would later be shot himself, but continued to deliver a 90-minute speech because he had no time for ill-mannered gunfire. The bullet was never removed, because nothing escapes Theodore Roosevelt!

Look out–the Vampire King!
…oh, sorry. It’s just Kaiser Wilhelm

TR chose not to run for a then-legal third consecutive term (a decision he later came to regret) and remains one of America’s best-loved Presidents, sharing space on Mt. Rushmore with George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and perhaps America’s most-popular past President, Abraham Lincoln.

Come to think of it, any one of those guys is a pretty good role model for public life, even if none of them killed the undead.

But of the four, in a fight with a blood-sucking vampire, my money’s on the asthmatic kid. He’s scrappy.

Ivan Cohen writes for Mancave Daily and has been published in Time Out New York, TV Guide, and on Newsweek.com. Follow him on Twitter @ivanmcohen.

Ivan taught you a more somber history lesson yesterday with Why You Don’t Know It’s Juneteenth. –>