Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. I address you this week with a little bit of tut-tutting in my voice. So a man got loopy on some chemicals and ate another man’s face. Big deal! I feel for the faceless gent, I really do – but at least he’s still alive. Do you know what kind of biting is more terrifying? Spider bites. Thousands of spider bites! Of the poisonous and deadly kind. If you think one bath-salty homeless man with a case of the munchies is any more terrifying than a new species of killer octopods, then you are living in a sheltered world, sirs. But I digress: there are other sinister new pets to be on the watch for. This week, we present:
Let’s say that, for some strange reason, you want to be President. In spite of what some movie might have you believe, being a “Vampire Hunter” has yet to qualify anyone for the highest office in the land.
Most of our Commanders-in-Chief have had the kinds of jobs you’d expect: lots of them were lawyers, a couple were professors, and there were a smattering of oilmen/secret-society member/baseball-team owners (okay, that last one might only be Dubya).
If you haven’t seen it, the BBC’s updated and retooled Sherlock Holmes series — aptly titled Sherlock — is an impressive feat of television making. The writing is sharp and clever and the performances are all spot on. It’s riveting and watching a minute of an episode means you’re about to blow off every other activity you had lined up for the rest of the day so you can watch the rest, which makes us very excited for the upcoming CBS Sherlock series called Elementary. Finally! We get out own Sherlock!
One of the most creative aspects of the show is the visual representation of the inner-workings of Sherlock’s mind. Not only does the camera show us Sherlock shaking a man’s hand and instantly know everything about him, we see the dog hairs on the man’s pant leg that tells Sherlock he has two – no, three dogs, and the exact breeds; we see the wrinkles on his fancy shirt that tell Sherlock this man is newly rich and has yet to let go of his unruly meager beginnings.
You have to assume Sherlock uses this skill all day, every day, so let’s use this Sherlockian method of analyzing a situation, picking it apart bit by bit to understand every aspect of it without being told anything about it, and apply it to, say, buying a used car.
Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug. (Subject to geographical limitations, like whether or not you’re near him.)
The United States is a great country, but its government has done some terrible, terrible things: killed native people, denied women the right to vote, and, of course, treated human beings as property.
While the calendar is chock full of holidays commemorating such historic American themes as independence (July 4), having an executive branch (Presidents’ Day), and liking trees (Arbor Day), we don’t have a national holiday dedicated to the abolition of slavery, which was arguably as big a step as declaring independence in the history of the United States becoming the leader of the FREE (get it?) world.
And no, Martin Luther King Day doesn’t count. One holiday dedicated to a civil rights leader does not automatically count as a day celebrating America’s great leap forward in at least saying it would treat all people, regardless of skin color, equally in the eyes of the law.
The closest we come is June 19th, better known – though not better enough, I’d argue – as JUNETEENTH.
Gentlemen! Long time no see. Have you lost weight? New deodorant? Teeth whitened? Something seems new and exciting about you! What product has unleashed your potent but friendly masculinity?
…Gents, that was a trick. Fine fellows, you are always top-notch specimens of humanity – only your own confidence can improve the fine stuff that we are made of! But of course, there are snake-oil salesmen around every corner, hoping to convince you otherwise. Time was, a fast-talking man would appeal to those folks up late at night, drowsy and susceptible to thinking they needed the occasional Bible: NASCAR Edition, or a cake pan in the shape of Mt. Rushmore. But the advertising world has grown more sophisticated – and dare I say, more insidious in their ways.