Stress is my “fourthmeal”. It bleeds over into the rest of my time, like a diabetic enjoying that late night Chalupa that he knows will someday earn him a spot on the receiving end of an organ donor list.
What’s a guy to do? Every video game is a teeth-grating deathmatch for virtual glory and defeat is only an admission of not wanting it enough. Reading a book might be relaxing to some, but my serotonin-lacking brain sees it as a bloody “Mortal Kombat” style showdown between my attention span and the words on the page that mock me every second I’m not looking at them.
Even exercise, according to some medical experts, is a great way to relieve stress and tension. I just skip it because squeezing into spandex in a Jazzercise class would just produce more stress than even I would need.
Florida is where giant bugs and weird news go to breed. So it’s not surprising that a perfectly normal story about a guy getting overcharged at The Key West Scrub Club was born with a few weird details.
For starters, this all happened at 5 a.m, which is too bleak an hour for any kind of vice. The only people who should be awake that early are fishermen and serial killers–which, if we know our Dexter, are the same people.
Second, $500 is not only too much to pay for a shoulder massage; it’s too much to pay for whatever the shoulder massage was a pretense for. For that kind of money, you should be able to get a mail-order bride–one of the high-class ones who makes really great sandwiches, or at least an hour holding hands with Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman.
Third, good job on Bank of America for recognizing the acceptable rates of exchange on the flesh trade, and calling him up when the charge ran through at $9000. But did they follow up by reminding him $500 was overcharging to begin with? The only 20-minute experience worth that much money is a swim in a pool filled with cookie dough.
Running to the cops to claim adult massage fraud is also atypical, especially since Bank of America already flagged the charge, but the best part is their casual shrug since it’s not a criminal matter.
So good job, Florida, you managed to take a funny story and twist it into a weirdness pretzel. But let this be a lesson to all you randy fishermen out there — always pay cash, and remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and most of them don’t cost $9000 per pound.
By now you’ve probably seen or bought those beer cans that tell you when they’re cold. They’ll either change color or do some other whacky thing to let you know they’re ready for drinking. Now, Breckenridge Brewery has come up with the best cold activated technology we’ve seen to date.
Your walking down a loud, busy street in your local city, when all of a sudden everyone goes silent. The fighting couple on the corner hasn’t stopped yelling at each other and the street musician seems to still be playing the saxophone, but apparently everyone has been muted. Sure it’s hilarious watching it on Youtube, but how creepy would it be if you actually witnessed this happen!