Five Things to Do with Crap Beer
So your old friend came over. You know the one we mean: the guy who got a nickname like Meat, or Tank, or The Human Keg, and has been living up to it ever since. And he brought beer! Specifically, he brought terrible beer! Which is now sitting in your fridge, taking up space well after the Tank got too drunk to drive and you had to call his long-suffering wife to come get him.
And now you’ve got this crap beer to use up. Fortunately, it’s surprisingly easy to do.
Beer Can Chicken
Yeah, you’re a guy, you’ve probably got at least three cookbooks about how to cook with beer. But, realistically, most of those recipes are “crack open one and pour it in at some point in the recipe”. They’re tasty, but they’re not the holy grail of beer recipes: Beer Can Chicken. Here’s how you make it:
Step 1: Open a crap beer. Drink half of it.
Step 2: Put the can in the center of a flat surface you can put on a grill.
Step 3: Clean out a chicken, rub it with oil and the spices of your choice (we recommend lemon pepper, but this’ll work with pretty much anything that’ll stick to a chicken), and impale its thoracic cavity (where you’d put the stuffing) on the beer can. The chicken should stand up using its legs and the beer can as a tripod.
Step 4: Put this on your grill for about an hour and a quarter to an hour and a half, and be sure to cover said grill. The juices need to run clear when you stab it with a knife.
Step 5: Eat a chicken that has been cooked from the inside with beer steam and roasted on outside over indirect heat. Bonus points for smoke. Oh, and once the can cools off, check inside: all the juice from inside of the chicken have streamed into it and cooked with the alcohol and boiling water to make a delicious gravy.
If you’ve got a lawn, you’ve got slugs, and slugs blow. They eat plants, they squish when you step on them (and they’re always underfoot), and generally they’re a pain in the ass.
So, pour a crap beer in a dish and leave it out overnight. The slugs love the smell of beer and will come, get drunk, and die happy as the alcohol both knocks them out and shrivels them up. It’s euthanasia! As a bonus, you might come out in the morning to have gotten that annoying dog that always poops in your yard drunk.
Note: Do not deliberately get animals drunk. It’s mean. Unless they’re slugs. Also, if you’re an apartment dweller and have a fruit fly problem, this will also work on those annoying bastards.
You can also pour beer on brown spots on your lawn: supposedly beer is good for killing bugs in general and the acidity can help the grass. We question this one if for no other reason than pouring Natty Ice on your lawn seems like a great way to kill it, but hey, it’s worth knowing. Though how do you treat your lawn’s hangover?
Use It To Clean Your Furniture
No, seriously; this works. It’s incredibly bizarre to actually see happening, but it works.
Use a freshly opened beer to get out upholstery stains; the carbonation helps lift the stain, and since most cheap macrobrews are a weak yellow color, it’s unlikely the beer is actually going to stain anything (you might want to test this first, depending on the beer).
Once it goes flat, pour it on a cloth and rub it into any wood you happen to have; it works like furniture polish. It also works as a metal polish.
How the hell does that work? Well, beer is, due to how it’s made, slightly acidic. Not so acidic that you’ll notice, generally, but enough that it’ll react with stains and other crud and usually serve to lift them.
Yes, we are advising you to get your IKEA furniture wasted on bad beer. To be fair, though, most of the terrible beer out there tastes almost as good as drinking furniture polish, so really, it’s a wash.
Impromptu Grilling Fire Extinguisher
The next time you’re grilling, pull a can of the crap beer out and give it a relentless shake. The next time you have a grill flare-up, crack the can and spray the foam over the fire.
This will douse the flames, obviously, but it’ll also make sure you don’t have to worry about contaminating your food or putting out your coals. Beer is, obviously, safe for food, and a quick soaking in beer foam won’t ruin anything you’re grilling.
Give It To Your Girlfriend To Put In Her Hair
Beer is, in addition to sweet alcohol, full of crap you don’t care about but is good for you, thanks to the yeast and hops, like B vitamins.
Which means, once it warms up and goes flat, she can use it in her hair as a treatment to give it more lift and bounce. We have no idea what that means in the context of hair, but A) it’s a nice thing to do and B) the words “lift” and “bounce” are usually good things when applied to somebody you’re having sex with.
Dan also solved the eternal question of whether names belong to a Beanie Baby or Stripper? –>