The Only Rule: There Are No Rules
This may be the most obvious article ever written. Brad Pitt is a man synonymous with greatness, good looks, gorgeous women and occasionally outstanding facial hair. To kick off our celebration of Pitt’s manhood, enjoy the following flow chart:
Gwyneth Paltrow ==> Jennifer Aniston ==> Angelina Jolie
Here is a flowchart following the same pattern, but automotive, in case you are having difficulty grasping the first, female chart:
Lexus ==> BMW ==> Angelina Jolie
That should make more sense.
Pitt got his acting start on the small screen in the late 1980s, including a role on the soap opera Dallas. In 1991 he got the honor of seducing Genna Davis in Thelma & Louise, which lead to his first leading roles in A River Runs Through It and Interview with the Vampire, the latter of which starred men Tom Cruise and Antonio Banderas, as well as human being Christian Slater.
Pitt earned his first Golden Globe nomination in 1994 for his role in Legends of the Fall, and a year later was named the Sexiest Man Alive, which is far more important than a stupid Golden Globe. 1995 also marked the release of Seven, where Pitt teamed up with human/narrator Morgan Freeman and discovered his current beau Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box (if that’s a spoiler, you’re 16 years behind, no apology necessary), and everyone on Earth was creeped out by Kevin Spacey for two hours.
12 Monkeys was also released in 1995, and Pitt took home the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor, as well as an Oscar nomination for his frenzied, somewhat disturbing performance as Jeffrey Goines.
In 1999 Pitt played Tyler Durden in the movie we aren’t allowed to talk about. Seriously, it tells us twice not to talk about it. Fight Club has since become a cult classic, the most iconic Pitt performance to date.
He then slurred and stammered his way into our hearts as an Irish Gypsy in Guy Ritchie’s overlooked, underrated Snatch. The same year (2000) Pitt was proclaimed World’s Sexiest Man, again, which bodes the question: What happened from 1996-1999? Perhaps a relationship with twinkies.
Brad Pitt then teamed up with every actor you have ever liked (including George Clooney, greatest man alive) to make the Oceans trilogies, which gave an glorious “yes” to anyone who asked the question: Do you think actors have fun making movies?
Pitt’s two most financially successful films were Troy (his worst flick) and Mr. and Mrs. Smith (a decent movie with great chemistry and lips)
Babel, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s multi-narrative drama, earned Pitt another Golden Globe nomination, alongside the film’s seven Academy Award nominations. In 2008 Pitt was the funniest part of the Coen Brother’s hilarious Burn After Reading, where Pitt mocked a gentleman for thinking Pitt would ride a Schwinn.
Pitt teamed up with mecca-man director Quentin Tarantino for Inglourious Basterds, which was a masterpiece (Tarantino’s best film. Yes. Best. Film.) that was overlooked by a bunch of dumbasses on the Oscar’s board somehow.
He recently starred in Terrence Malick’s oceans-deep epic Tree of Life, which tackles every question every asked in under three hours. Coming soon, Pitt will portray Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane in the much anticipated by sports fans Moneyball, which tracks a small market team’s success in the big leagues.
Oh yeah, and he named his kid after a bar in his college town. Shiloh.
Kyle Ayers is an astronaut and craft-fair attendee who hopes someday he won’t have to lie in his byline. Follow him @kyleayers on twitter
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